I thought I can have surgery today but in the end it's postpone. I can't remember what's the reason I can't do the surgery but I know need parent's consent. I've no one to talk to now and I choose not to talk to anyone in this family. I rather pour out my feelings here. Sis actually remembered that I wrote on my facebook "I hope Grandma's pain can be transfer to me". Ye, I nearly forgot about this and when Sis told me not to type this kind of thing anymore, I don't know when I start to drop tears again. I don't know how many times did I cry today but while I was bathing, I thought to myself "In the end, I said God, I don't want to use die anymore to help Grandma, I'll feel so unbearable to leave this world". Actually I can't really remember what I said though. But I know I thought to myself again, since I must have this surgery, so if possible Grandma can sit on her own first and walk then it's all worth it. I just love Grandma a lot. Mum says "You're too young, whatever you can do to help Grandma, it's enough already. This kind of thing is very supersititious, like what I prayed whle I had your btoehr (as my brother could either get low iq or like now normal), and I don't want to say anymore of what I said in my prayers, later you follow me". Sis also said it's unncessary to wish this kind of thing but I guess it's because I love Grandma simply too much. Although like what Mum said, many others should take this instead cause I'm just a granddaughter and not Grandma's kids. Yes, I was really afraid when I heard either I can just go home straight after the surgery or I must let my skin open and can see my flesh insde (sounds really scary) and I must take general anaesthetic (I heard from many people this has side effects) and I heard from Sis what if overdose.... Ye, I was scared. But now... I don't know how to describe how I feel now and I care a lot for those I care who doesn't ask about it at all and I'm truly grateful some who is not close to me at all concern about me unlike some others. I got so much to type but phew, my brain is quite blank now which is good too so I don't need to think so much. I can rest my brain as soon as 12am. Ok, my final last thought is that "I must meet all my friends that I want to meet before my surgery". And I realised it's on Huimin's birthday, maybe it's this day that I'm doing this surgery. And I hate that general anaesthetic have side effects........ Does that mean I've to suffer more in the later future? Fine, I shall not think about the future but just the present now.
